“I thought I could count on you, but I guess I was wrong.” You say this in your head or out loud to the people who said they were going to help, but now they’re going back on their word. Your faces flush red as your insides are fuming with anger; your thoughts are racing 100 miles per hour as you try to figure out what to do next, except you can’t think. Instead of focusing on the problem at hand, you start comparing your problems to other people’s problems and you feel that if you just had more support, you could be handling this problem better, but as luck would have it, you don’t have the same kind of social network that your peers do. They have a family, you don’t. (You have a family, but they’re not there for you in the way you need them to be.) You have friends, but they are super busy themselves; maybe everyone’s back home and you moved out here for a promotion. You don’t want to be a burden, so you try to think of someone who may have some free time to listen to you vent, and your mind drifts to that cute bartender at this bar you’ve been visiting more frequently…
Did someone rub you the wrong way?
If you were honest with yourself, would people describe you as being volatile, aggressive, and sensitive? Perhaps you hide your anger better than others by being quiet, fearful and implosive. Maybe someone tried to approach you with the wrong words at the wrong time to express their feelings about you, and consequently, it set off bombs and you said some things you now regret. Words, actions, and situations can trigger us so deeply that we get disproportionately angry at the small things. Oftentimes, we don’t even know why these triggers get under our skin.
Whose fault is it?
Unprocessed negative emotions can get ugly if they are not handled properly over time. Although as adults, we are responsible for our own actions and consequences, we oftentimes don’t realize the impact of our decisions on ourselves. Ask the guy who’s been married five times why he keeps picking the same type of woman. Consider the ladies you hear who keep returning to the same deadbeat boyfriends who use and abuse them. Poor decision-making and unregulated emotional responses have been linked to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Traumatic experiences, over time, produce brain changes that create neural patterns in such a way that whenever a certain experience occurs, it produces a knee-jerk reaction. You see this happening whenever you hear a song, and it takes you back to a heart-warming or heart-wrenching memory. When it comes to anger, there’s a myriad of factors that could have contributed to one’s present mental state of agitation, many of which can be traced back to the way our parents treated us during our early childhood years.
How do you respond when someone says “no”?
Friends may let you down, and family members can’t always be there for you. That’s realistic. No one is perfect, but the word “no” can carry with it a lot of negative connotation, depending on one’s past experiences. When someone says, “I’m sorry, I’ve thought through this and I decided after all that I can’t help you with this,” how does that make you feel?
You could react in several ways. One, you could ask the other person, in a gentle and calm manner, why they decided to change their mind after all. Ask them to help you understand where they’re coming from, and then express how their decision affects you. Can you express — fully and confidently without raising your voice — your expectations and emotions without putting pressure on others? Or do you tune the other person out and start telling yourself that this is the reason you can’t trust anybody or can’t rely on anyone because nobody’s got your back and it’s been this way your whole life? When emotions are not processed correctly, they can distort one’s thinking and negative thought patterns build up. Resentment turns into anger, and anger leads to a bitterness that eats you up. Angry individuals only hear what they think they hear, not what the other person is actually saying.
What does anger have to do with substance abuse addiction?
Studies have shown a strong link between marijuana use, alcohol, and intimate partner violence. Unregulated angry emotions could be symptomatic of an underlying co-occurring disorder associated with substance abuse, such as Intermittent Explosive Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, Antisocial Personality Disorder and other impulse control disorders. Individuals turn to drugs and alcohol to self-medicate when they don’t know how to express their anger in a healthy way, and their rage is often manifested in physical aggression. Areas of difficulty may include:
• Romantic and familial relationships
• Ability to sustain long-term employment
• Emotional and psychological health
• Low self-esteem
• Depression
• Anxiety
To remedy disruptive behavior disorders and substance abuse addiction, a multidisciplinary team of clinicians works with clients to develop individualized treatment plans that incorporate effective holistic methods in their dual diagnosis treatment. Clients learn anger management techniques to help them cope with stress and regulate their negative emotions, and they may pick up a new meaningful hobby from one of the many holistic therapy programs offered at New Method Wellness. After program completion, individuals will be able to lead a satisfying life without being enslaved to addiction and anger.
What if I’m not the one with anger issues? Help me get through to my loved one
Are you having trouble getting through to your loved one? Trigger words are like landmines. Watch what you say because the best of intentions are not good enough when you are talking to someone who’s been severely hurt. You may think you’re trying to help but you end up doing more harm by pushing your loved one away with your words and actions. Get a third party involved who can objectively identify what’s missing and help you break down those walls. Reach out to New Method Wellness, one of the nation’s best centers for alcohol and drug rehabilitation, and our Outreach Coordinator will gladly assist you in leading a loved one to treatment.
To see why Dr. Phil recommends New Method Wellness, visit our website or contact us today!
