Drug and alcohol addictions are riddled with secrets, shame, and guilt (McGaffin, Lyons & Deane, 2013). When a partner in a relationship becomes chemically dependent, he or she may at first try to cover up the addiction, but eventually, consequences of addictive behaviors will inevitably come to the light, which may include the following:
• Financial issues resulting from the costs of alcohol and drugs
• Negligence of physical health
• Psychological distress such as anxiety, hopelessness and chronic anger
• Social isolation
• Shame and embarrassment about the addiction
• Sexual dysfunction or inappropriate sexual behavior
• Denial of substance abuse, dishonesty, and broken promises
Arguments based on the above-mentioned factors become the focal point of conflict for the couple, according to the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. Oftentimes these behaviors stem from drug and alcohol abuse, but long-ranging consequences of the partner’s addictive behaviors affect the relationship and the entire family if kids are in the picture. When secrets start unraveling and one of the partners discovers addictive behaviors that have led to an eruption of other problems, the relationship starts to crumble. Unresolved tension leads to increased abuse, and it becomes a vicious cycle.
Relationship Patterns That Sustain Alcohol and Drug Use
Whether one or both partners are using drugs and alcohol, certain dysfunctional patterns can develop and sustain addictive habits. The non-user may, in fact, sustain the loved one’s addiction through enabling and codependency.
The Recovery Research Institute defines “enabling” as “removing or diminishing the naturally occurring negative consequences resulting from substance abuse, increasing the likelihood of disease progression.” For example, if a loved one’s vehicle was repossessed due to financial mismanagement (i.e., paying for illicit drugs instead of paying the car notes), the non-user allows the partner to drive the other vehicle so that the loved one does not have to experience the inconvenience of waiting for a bus. The substance-dependent loved one may ask for money on a regular basis to support drug habits while lying about where the money goes (such as groceries).
Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA) defines “codependency” as “being overly concerned with the problems of another to the detriment of one’s own needs and wants (CoDA, 1998). According to CoDA, intimate partners in a codependent relationship tend to:
• deny their own feelings due to poor self-esteem;
• overreact;
• exert control over others due to the belief that they can’t take care of themselves;
• avoid conflict through people-pleasing behaviors, and
• show loyalty to those who don’t deserve it
Motivational Readiness for Substance Abuse Treatment
The reasons why men and women seek substance abuse treatment are different (Riehman, Hser & Zeller, 2000). For men, variables that significantly affect their motivation to seek treatment are not related to their partners; for women, the opposite is true. If a woman has a partner who is seeking treatment for substance abuse, she is more likely to seek help as well. Conversely, if her partner has an active addiction, she is less likely to get treatment. For both men and women, financial independence and self-sufficiency increase motivation for addiction treatment (Riehman et al., 2000).
Integrating Individual Counseling with Behavioral Couples Therapy
If you have childhood wounds, trauma from past relationships, unresolved grief or other emotional wounds that have not been addressed, it is best to seek counseling for those wounds before you begin a relationship, otherwise, triggers will be magnified ten times more while you’re dating. However, if you already have a significant other, seeking individual counseling to deal with your personal wounds will not only help you grow as an individual, but it will also teach you healthy ways to deal with interpersonal conflict with your partner.
Not that it’s impossible to be in a relationship while you’re still healing, but it’s much harder to move past old wounds when another person is involved, and oftentimes the partner ends up as collateral damage while you are working on yourself. For many, relationships seem like the easy way out because instead of dealing with past emotional hurts, a relationship can serve as a substitute to soothe and assuage the pain, making you forget the unpleasant things you’ve been wanting to avoid, but individual counseling often helps to defuse potential bombs that would destroy a relationship.
How Behavioral Couples Therapy (BCT) Improves Relationship Satisfaction
Studies show that behavioral couples therapy (BCT) is more effective than individually-based therapy (IBT) alone for treatment outcomes among those seeking help for substance use disorders. A 2017 study “A randomized clinical trial of behavioral couples therapy versus individually-based treatment for drug-abusing women” demonstrated substantial improvement in women who utilized both couple-based intervention and individual counseling, resulting in less substance-related problems than those who only received individual counseling. Evidence suggests that couple-based intervention not only improves relationships but also enhances the psychosocial function of children if there are any kids involved (Kelley & Fals-Stewart, 2002).
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Kelley, M. L., & Fals-Stewart, W. (2002). Couples- versus individual-based therapy for alcohol and drug abuse: Effects on children’s psychosocial functioning. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 70(2), 417-427. dx.doi.org
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